On the face of it, being an intimacy coach is an unusual profession. Pallavi Barnwal has heard it all: Is it even real? People will make money about anything these days, someone commented on one of her sex ed reels on finger condoms. Didn’t know I needed a coach to teach me intimacy, said another troll. Unemployment makes us do strange things, added another keyboard warrior.
From Barnwal’s vantage point, this was only a natural progression in her life. “I saw my parents having affairs from a very young age,” she tells Vogue India. “Being in a dysfunctional family, I’ve always seen a different shade of relationships.” Throughout her youth, Barnwal skipped from one toxic relationship to the next, thanks to the untreated trauma from being exposed to her parents' extramarital affairs at such a young age. “Being an intimacy coach allowed me to understand the many links between the mind, our bodies, and the lies we tell ourselves.”
It’s the many hypocrisies that shadow sex that concerned Barnwal most because she’d been trapped in those same cycles for so long: Why are we afraid to experiment? Why do we let our insecurities get the better of us every time? These are some of the questions she ends up addressing through her quirky reels and posts, and even during sessions with clients that mostly comprise couples stuck in a sexual or romantic limbo in their relationships.
Below, she shares with us some actionable pointers that can be implemented to have safe, but wild sex.
1. Don’t have a parental ego
Refusing to budge beyond one’s likes simply because one derives comfort from them ends up acting as a major barrier to (safe and consensual) experimenting. “To have the attitude that you “have to” do certain things in bed is the onset of boredom and monotony,” Barnwal says. “This “have to” approach forms what is referred to as parental ego that one must shed. This also prevents your partner from telling you what they like in bed in the first place, let alone doing it.”
2. Speak your partner’s language
- Culture & LivingMumbai healed my heart, but Pune saved my soul
Having shed your parental ego, if you’ve reached the stage where you can have a healthy conversation with your partner, it then becomes important to speak your partner’s language. “If they are not comfortable doing something, don’t just move on and brush it under the carpet,” she advises. “Understand the source. Are there any traumas preventing them from enjoying sex the way they’d actually want to? Should the past be addressed in therapy? Is there a way you can make them feel safe?” However, if your partner doesn’t feel comfortable talking about it initially, it’s also advisable to not follow up aggressively but let them know you are available as a safe space whenever they’re ready.
3. Approach wild sex as a graded experience
If your partner has kinks that you’d like to attempt indulging in, Barnwal suggests starting slowly instead of just hurling yourself in it and coming out disappointed, disgusted and turned off. “It doesn’t have to be a complete striptease routine in one go, just drop the scarf first maybe. Relish every moment, don’t rush into it. Prepare the palette first. Uninhibited sex doesn’t mean reckless sex with no consideration to pace yourself.”
4. Understand the responsibility that comes with uninhibited sex
- Culture & LivingMumbai healed my heart, but Pune saved my soul
In a BDSM setting, you have to be attentive to every gesture and need of your submissive if you are the dominant partner. “Just because you're a dom, it doesn’t mean you can be reckless and blind to how your partner’s body is responding,” she says. “Be graceful, even when you’re exerting control. The other person has trusted you with their body, so stimulate them without ever causing injury.”
5. Invest in seduction
Build anticipation, add drama. Sometimes, what precedes sex tells the whole story. “Write love letters, learn to tease. Maybe try sexting with your partner. Stay with that longing. Don’t wear underwear while going to a restaurant. The idea is to deny the fulfilment of desire before you actually have sex. Sometimes, that can be more thrilling than sex itself,” Barnwal says. Often, seduction can be uninhibited too. Making out in a corner of the street can be a sweet middle spot for many who might have a public sex fetish but don’t want to go all out.
6. Master the art of nurturing
“People surrender to nurturing hands,” Barnwal insists. “Just to be told everything is okay is all the confidence one needs to truly experiment and accept you as their safe space.” Cuddling and holding your partner with love, softly biting them while gently kissing that same area are solid techniques that can never go wrong. “As Freudian as it might sound, we all need that maternal energy in our sex lives—one that protects and nurtures us. Only then can uninhibited sex thrive.”
Also read:
Dr. Tanaya Narendra is teaching India how to have good sex
Three women-led brands that are changing the sexual health narrative for women in India
